


Constant Reminder

by Tahemalie



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Fluff, M/M, Panic Attacks, nsfw at the beginning, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-21
Updated: 2015-06-20
Packaged: 2018-04-05 06:43:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4169889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tahemalie/pseuds/Tahemalie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kageyama and Hinata have been friends for about 8 years after they realised they loved each other. Since then, they started a relationship. But what happens if Kageyama accidentally hurt Hinata while having their first time, and a door to Kageyama's past opens?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Constant Reminder

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, I want to thank [Moonlamb ](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Moonlamb/pseuds/Moonlamb) for helping me write this. She's an amazing person.  
> Secondly, this is really angsty and contains physical abuse and panic attacks. If you're vulnerable for these type of things, then please skip this fanfic, because it gets pretty dark.  
> I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Bonus: if you want this to be sadder, pull out your sad playlist and read this, it'll make this way more painful.

Kageyama's eyes met ambers ones as he pulled away from the kiss, bodies bare and hidden underneath heavy blankets, only dim light showing off major features. Soft breaths filled the room, slight kissing sounds and here and there a groan or a moan as Kageyama slid his head down, trailing kisses over Hinata's bare chest to soothe him while his long and slender fingers thrusted inside. Both of them never did this before, so their movements were shaky and awkward, nervous blushes on their faces and embaressing yet exciting giggles leaving Hinata's mouth.

Kageyama pulled his fingers out, a soft whine escaping Hinata's lips at the loss. The setter chuckled. They had both come a long way, from rivals to teammates to friends, and eventually into lovers. It was truely an adventure and it had taken them at least eight years to realise they had feelings for each other.

"Don't worry, Shouyou. I promise I won't hurt you," he whispered, giving him one of his rare smiles. Hinata nodded, giving him a smile in return. It was clear that nerves influenced his grin, it just wasn't as pure as it was meant to come out. Kageyama noticed the affection and tenderness in his amber eyes, though, so he knew he was doing the right thing and he was making the right movements.

"I trust you, Tobio," he affectionately muttered back as Kageyama took out the condom and carefully wrapped it around his member, slathering it with lube as he directed it to the entrance. He grabbed both of Hinata's hands and entwined their fingers.

"If it hurts, please say so," Kageyama whispered, careful to keep it lighthearted. Hinata nodded, giving him approval. The setter held his breath as he slowly entered. Hinata whimpered underneath him, but he didn't say anything. He stopped for a second, kissing the other's jaw to soothe him as he slowly moved on.

That was a terrible mistake.

Hinata let out a yelp and he felt the boy softly sobbing. Kageyama stiffened, especially when he hurt a tiny, high pitched voice come from him. "Tobio.. It hurts."

The setter clenched his jaw as he pulled out, eyes wide yet unable to see anything as vision got blurry. He sat up, body shaking. "..no, no no no Shou no I'm so sorry I-" he whispered out, hands clenching his hair, trying to get a hold on this situation but he couldn't. He couldn't see clearly. He couldn't think.

"Tobio it's fine! You're stressing this way too much, you big idiot!" Hinata grinned, his hand finding Kageyama's shoulder. He flinched under the touch, scurrying away from him with a glazed, broken stare.

"D-don't, I'm don't want to hurt you I don't want to be like him, no I'm already like him, and I even promised, why did you trust me when I could only break it," Kageyama rambled, voice breaking as he tried to retain himself from reliving flashbacks, but he couldn't. He knew he couldn't stop them but he still tried, only to be dissapointed as he got dragged into the past again.

"Him..? Tobio.. Who are you talking about?" he scooted closer again, attempting to lay a hand on his shoulder, causing his boyfriend to flinch again and stare at Hinata with a shocked, startled and frightened gaze.

"DON'T TOUCH ME! STAY AWAY FROM ME!" he cried out, hands practically pulling hair out his head as he fell off the bed. "GO! GO AWAY AND RUN YOU IDIOT!" He screamed, sobbing as he lifted himself on his feet and made his way to the nearest room, which was the bathroom.

He let himself crumble against the wall of the door, heavily panting and shaking and unable to see clearly from both tears and his blurry vision. He just stared at the tiles, or he thought he looked at them, as he silently let himself fall on the cold floor.

He only slightly noticed that a hand shoved in some clothes and a glass water, but he didn't bother looking.

He heard a thud on the other side of the wall, but he didn't bother asking who or what it watched.

He just tried to focus on his palms with half-lidded eyes, failing miserably.

\--

To put it lightly, Hinata was confused. But to say it realistically, Hinata felt his heart crunch as he met Kageyama's gaze. He felt a part in him break. But that part wanted him to hold Kageyama and talk sweet nothings, threading through his hair and softly rocking his body.

Somewhere, Hinata was afraid. Afraid of who this 'him' was and afraid over letting him alone. He was afraid Kageyama would start to do crazy things.

But for now, he was just startled as he watched his boyfriends struggle to the bathroom, closing the door with a bang that made the mirror on the wall shake.

Hinata bit his lip, sex was now the last thing on his mind, pain already forgotten as he scrambled his clothes together, putting them on, completely lost in thought. He had never seen Kageyama pure scared, he seemed like a deer in the headlight of a truck. He couldn't get the image out of his head, those dark blue eyes on the verge of tears, seemingly blind. Body shaking, trying to regain his balance as he stood but instead collapsing against the wall. 

He had his shirt and underwear on by now, when his mind started wondering about the person Kageyama mentioned. Who was "him"? Who was this person, that made even Kageyama cry and panic? He seemed like a truely frightening person, his stomach twisting by only thinking about it.

Once Hinata had all his clothes back on, he gently folded Kageyama's clothes while thinking how he should be tackling this. He wasn't planning on leaving -this was their home after all. Without a plan, he layed the clothes on the nightstand and made the bed, walking to the kitchen to grab a glass of water. He took the clothes with him and softly knocked on the door. 

No reaction. His heart started squirming inside his chest. He knocked again.

No reaction. Hinata gave up and opened the door slightly, not saying a word, not looking around. Only gently shoving the clothes and water inside, following by him sliding against the wall down, head staring up as the back hit the wall. 

"Tobio.." he whispered, voice hoarse from the lump in this throat. "..Put your clothes on and drink some water. I'm going to talk to you, and you don't have to say a thing. Just listen to my voice. You don't need to ask any questions, okay?" A smile formed on his face, trying to lighten this situation up.

He didn't hear a reaction from Kageyama and he briefly considered he fell asleep. Though, Hinata kept talking. "I don't need to know what happened, I don't need to know why you reacted the way I did. I'm not hurt anymore and it wasn't your fault, okay? It could've happened to anyone. I'm not blaming you because I love you and I hate to see you like this." He wanted to say that it hurt, but he didn't know what would happen then, so he went for a safer route.

"Tobio, are you listening to me?" Hinata mumbled, voice tender and soft. "I love you and I'm fine, I want you to be better again, could you do that for me?"

No reaction. He only heard the soft rustling of what seemed like clothes. For a second Hinata wondered if his voice was heard in the other room. His heart dropped.

"Do you want me to leave?" he whispered, closing his eyes. "I can do that if you-"

"Shou." A hoarse, low voice talked, a hand peeking around the door. Hinata smiled, entwining his fingers with Kageyama's.

"I'm here, Tobio, I'm here.." He whispered, softly squeezing his hand. He could hear a soft sobbing from the other side.

"Do you want me to come in?" Hinata whispered, his voice soft but still enough to be heard.

"No..." Kageyama said, making his smile dissapear on his face as the setter pulled his hand away.

Hinata sighed, standing up while leaning against the wall. He didn't know what to say anymore, he knew that he should give him space but he was so worried about him, so worried. 

After a while, he could hear the door slowly creaking, revealing the setter. He looked terrible: poofy eyes, puffed, red cheeks, face in a pout that seemed right out sad. He didn't say a word, throwing himself in Hinata's arms, Kageyama's head resting against the other's chest.

At first, his eyes became wider, but then he closed them, his hand finding his hair. "It's okay, Tobio," he whispered, repeating the words a few times. "You know what?"

"Hmm?" Kageyama weakly groaned out.

"We're gonna go downstairs, and I'm going to make you some nice tea. And we're going to cuddle underneath a blanket." he proposed, meeting Kageyama's eyes. The setter nodded softly, not caring to say anything because he couldn't find the words. "I'm going to take care of you, and I'll stay right here! We can even watch a movie if you want to!"

Kageyama's face, even though filled with sadness and still a hint of panic and something Hinata couldn't quite catch, showed a glance of approval. Hinata's hand found the setter's hair, softly pushing it back. He had to tiptoe to do that, but that was okay. Everything for him.

"Can you put honey in it?" He croaked, his voice sounding oddly low. Hinata smiled, letting go of his hair, springing back in place.

"Of course, I'll do whatever you want." His hand found Kageyama's cheek, softly rubbing his thumb over his cheekbone before pulling away and taking him to the living room, squeezing his hand in the process. Hinata's mind couldn't stop wandering and find out what happened. He didn't know everyone in the setter's life, he knew that his parents used to be gone often. He made a checklist in his head, but soon he crossed everyone out because it didn't make sense. Yet.

He nudged Kageyama to sit down, him obeying without struggle. That was odd, but he didn't stress it while he grabbed a blanket and threw it around Kageyama. "I'll be right back, babe," he whispered, kissing him on his cheek. Kageyama was barely listening and slightly shaking, Hinata noticed, but above all what seemed odd was the fact that he looked pale. Even though his skin was slightly tanned, he could see his lips were blue, face outstandingly white. Hinata hoped it was just a cold, but in the back of his mind he knew that wasn't the case.

After a while, Hinata returned with two cups of steaming tea, putting them down on the coffee table to let them cool down a bit. He wanted to say that, in the time he was gone, Kageyama's expression became better, but that wasn't the case. It was exactly the same. He looked defeated -no, he looked _hopeless_. 

Hinata made a comfortable spot in the corner of the couch by stacking some pillows, sitting against them as he pulled Kageyama against his chest. It was odd for a moment, because normally Kageyama would be the big spoon, purely because he was taller. Yet, it felt satisfying. He layed the blanket over both of them, softly playing with his hair. 

Kageyama's breath was irregular, oddly fast. "Shh.. Tobio.. It's fine.. Here." He pulled Kageyama closer, letting his head rest on the middle of his chest so the thumping of his heart was audible. It was steady, suprisingly slow fot the situation they were in. It seemed tho work when he felt Kageyama calm down. "That's it, good job, Tobio. Listen to my heartbeat. I'm here," he whispered, his lips resting against the top of the setter's head. 

"Shouyou.." he mumbled, voice strange and filled with a feeling that sent shivers down Hinata's spine. He took the tea (he had moved the coffee table closer so that they didn't have to move too much) and handed Kageyama the cup once his back leaned against his boyfriend. The setter closed his eyes, shakingly breathing in the aroma of the sweet tea. It worked, noticing his boyfriend now regained some color. "Th-thanks." 

Hinata didn't reply, instead his hand drew patterns on Kageyama's arm. The curiosity in his mind grew even bigger, wondering what exactly could frighten his boyfriend. Once again, the things he knew didn't seem to add up.

There was something Kageyama didn't tell him yet. He wanted to find out what it was, but he also didn't. It frightened even Hinata a bit. 

There was a long silence, the air filling with the sound of blowing air and the soft sipping of tea. Hinata here and there whispered "I love you" but he didn't get a return. He didn't expect that at this moment, he knew Kageyama loved him. He knew Kageyama needed some time to calm down.

It took Kageyama his cup of tea before he started to talk. He handed the cup to Hinata, who put it next to his own empty one. "Shouyou," he mumbled in a hoarse and raspy voice. It slightly startled him when he talked, but it turned almost immediately in affection. "Why are you doing this?" His head tried to tilt but Hinata gently pushed it back. 

"It's obvious; I love you." he muttered out, hands threading to the other's hair.

"But I h-hurt you." Kageyama started sobbing again, and Hinata wondered how broken he actually was inside. "I broke my pr-promise." 

Hinata chuckled, his lips gently pressing a kiss on the top of his head. "But you didn't mean it. You didn't do it on purpose. What promise, actually?"

That was the worst question he could ever ask. Now, Kageyama let out a whimper, squeezing Hinata's hand as he entwined his fingers. It was heartwrenching for Hinata to see him like this, his usually grumpy setter he'd seen grow up and bloom into something beautiful, only to be withered like this.

"Shh.. I don't need to-"

"I'm gonna tell you, Shouyou." Kageyama bit his lip, his voice irregular.

"You don't need to, I just want you to be okay," Hinata soothed, closing his eyes and caressing the setter's bare arms.

"No Shou, I want to tell you, I've been meaning to for a while but I couldn't find the words. I-This thing is a part of who I am," he insisted, noticing that he softly started shaking as he thickly swallowed.

"Okay," Hinata whispered, concernedly kissing the top of his head. "If you don't want to continue, just say, okay?"

He could feel Kageyama nod, following by a big breath of air. "Okay, I never told anyone this, fuck not even my parents know of this." He swallowed thickly, making Hinata even more nervous for what's about to come.

"You know that I was alone when I was little," he started. "My dad and mom used to be away from the early hours until midnight. God, sometimes I didn't see them for a week. When I was l-little I had a lot of babysitters. Almost every week came a new person to take care of me. Most of them were really nice, others a bit less. But th-there was one..." He could hear Kageyama's voice break.

"Shh... Tobio it's fine, it's the past, I'm here. I'm here and I love you," he whispered. It seemed to work, Kageyama taking a deep, shaky breath to calm himself down. Hinata's instincts were tingling. This wasn't going to be good.

"It was a friend of the family. Big and friendly, a real teddy bear. My parents grew up with him, he was so charismatic and convinced them to let him take care of me when they were on the buisness trip. He was there for a w-week. A-an entire week this supposed friend entered my house." A bitter laugh escaped his lips, sending cold shivers down Hinata's spine. It sounded like he was terrified. 

"My family trusted -no, trusts- him. First night, we played board games. F-fun. Asked me if my parents had al-alcohol. Replied with yes." Kageyama's sentences became shorted and less descriptive, more like a list you'd write down. It aboslutely thrilled Hinata, stinging his bones.

"Second night. Found it. Nothing happened, I-I had lemonade and he h-had a glass of wine. Was okay." Hinata feared something terrible coming up.

"Th-third night. Drunk more. No l-lemonade. Sleeping. Heard.. shatters." Kageyama's voice was breaking, and Hinata could feel tears swelling in his eyes from only Kageyama's panicky tone.

"F-four-fourth, noon. Drunk. Smack on the face. Dropped my food." Sobs shuddered his body, and Hinata was trying to comfort him but he couldn't. He couldn't find the words and wondered why and how Kageyama was still talking. "E-evening... D-didn't want to come inside. Kicked. No dinner."

"F...fifth n-night. Dr-drunk. H-home late. Played w-with f-friend. L-locked in.. room. Couldn't leave. J-j-jumped out win-dow. Sl-slept outside. Desperate... To.. go.." His voice was filled with pain, realising he was crying.

"S-ixth. Morning. Foun-d me. Drunk. Beaten up. T-told f-friends I fell down the.. stairs.. Else. M-more." Hinata was crying, too, now, only able to picture Kageyama's pure anguish and pain. His insides felt hollow. "N-n-noon... Knife. Cut. B-blood. Sh-shoulder. N-no reason.. D-d-drunk. Locked m-myself in my r-room. Asked him to st-stop. Didn't listen. N-no lunch. No d-dinner." His voice became fainter by the second. Hinata wanted to say he didn't need to continue, but he still did. "Scar.. Pain." 

"Seven. P-parents returned. He t-told. G-got beaten. H-he saved...." Kageyama's voice dissapeared, his body heavily shaking.

"Oh my god.. Tobio.." Hinata whimpered out, protectively pulling him closer as he hastily caressed Kageyama's body, with shaking hands himself. He was unable to speak, unable to breath, unable to think. Only images of things that happened playing in his mind. It far out frightened Hinata.

He wanted to kick this dude. But for now, he bit his lip, resting his head on Kageyama's, not caring that his shirt got drenched from the setter's tears. He softly rocked the body, hands shakingly roaming to make sure that he was actually there, alive with him.

He didn't care that the body against him was shaking and sobbing and making his shirt drenched and damp. 

Hinata was desperately searching for words. Usually, they would flow out his mouth, but this time, his mind was empty. All he did was silently stroke his hand through Kageyama's silky hair, softly shushing to calm his boyfriend down. Kageyama was shaking uncontrollably, sobbing and crying painfully.

"Promised. N-n-never on p-p-purpose.. Hurt you.. Br-br-broke it." Hinata was shocked at the tone, high pitched and filled with layers of pain. Layers of built-up self hate. 

Hinata thickly swallowed, his throat tight. He softly moved his hands to Kageyama's face, pulling it up so Kageyama was directly looking at him. "Tobio, you never hurt me on purpose. You aren't like him. You are you and you are strong. I still trust you and I still want you, I still love you and I will forever and ever. And I don't care that you're broken, I don't care! You just had a rough start!" A weak smile formed on his face, tears streaming down his face. "I'm just glad you're here with me and that you're fine. I can hold you now. I can not fix you, I'm sorry for that, but I can help you. I'll protect you and I'll make sure that that doesn't happen. And I'll make sure that you don't turn into anyone like him." Hinata softly leaned in after he was done with his speech, kissing his forehead while he softly wiped tears of Kageyama's cheek.

Kageyama's voice was soft and fragile. "Why?" he mouthed. "Why would you love me, I'm so broken. I.. I'm a shadow next to you."

Hinata laughed at that. Soft, filled with tears and affection. It was suprisingly tender. "You're the moon, Tobio, the moon. Without the light of the sun you wouldn't shine." 

Something flickered in Kageyama's eyes, and Hinata couldn't put a finger on what it was. The setter's eyes closed, leaning against Hinata's gentle touches. Hinata saw how broken he knew that he wasn't glue. No, he couldn't fix this broken man, but he could help him and shine on him and make him happy.

"I love you," Kageyama whispered, falling back against Hinata's chest. He smiled, nuzzling closer. Hinata threw the blanket over him, only his head visible.

"I love you too, Tobio. Don't you forget that." He kissed the top of his head, taking in his scent. Hinata was glad he was here with him, maybe in pieces but that was okay. 

They stayed in silence for a while, absentmindedly caressing his face. Hinata couldn't get the images out of his mind. He tried not to focus on them too much, but sometimes an image of a small, broken Kageyama flashed before his eyes, crying on the ground while clutching his shoulder, red with blood. It sent multiple shivers down his body and he'd just pull Kageyama closer. 

Kageyama started talking again, voice hoarse and low. "My eyes hurt from crying," he stated. Hinata giggled softly. 

"So do mine. And my shirt is wet." Even Kageyama let out a chuckle. Hinata was glad to hear it was pure and filled with happiness. "How about a shower?"

Kageyama nodded, sitting up a bit. "Sounds good." A small smile formed on his face. It was pure, filled with affection towards Hinata. It made him jump a bit, but he was eager to return it.

They slowly made their way to the shower. As soon as Kageyama took his shirt off, he saw a thin, white line going from his collarbone to shoulder. His heart squirmed in his chest, leaving an uneasy feeling. Without thinking, he tiptoed, softly pressing his fingers over the skin. He could feel muscles tensing. They quickly relaxed again. Hinata looked up, meeting Kageyama's slightly startled gaze. "D-do you mind? Because if you do, then I won't!"

Actually, to Hinata's suprise, the setter softly shook his head.

Hinata grinned, returning to look at where once was a cut. It was definitely old, if you didn't know it was there, you wouldn't have noticed it. It was thin and cleanly cut, the skin only slightly lighter than Kageyama's tanned skin. He leaned closer, gently pressing his lips on the scar. He could feel Kageyama stiffen again.

"There you go. I may not be able to remove it but I at least gave it a kiss and accepted i-" 

He wasn't to finish his sentence as Kageyama pulled him in a desperate, affectionate kiss.

Hinata smiled, kissing back.


End file.
